Codependency and being codependent and enabling

Codependency: (being codependent)

• http://soulselfhelp.on.ca/codependencea.html - Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They always smile, never refuse to do a favor. They are happy and bubbly all the time. They understand others and have the ability to make people feel good. People like them! So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the giving is one-sided and so excessive that it hurts the giver. Then, the giver is showing the signs of codependence.
  • Opposite of codependent - interdependent. - Only relatively healthy people are capable of interdependent relationships, which involve give and take. It is not unhealthy to unilaterally give during a time when your partner is having difficulty. You know your partner will reciprocate should the tables turn. Interdependency also implies that you do not have to give until it hurts. By comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner does almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the taking, almost all of the time.
  • Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to rationalize a loved one's disrespectful behavior by making excuses for them. "He doesn't mean it." "It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do." "She had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.
  • The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and "understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or for a loved one to be magically healed through their persistent love and care taking, they accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the codependent person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" no matter what!
  • Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to expect respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming. Having grown up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), the codependent person is trained to care for others. Having grown up in a difficult environment, a negative emotional climate is experienced as normal and familiar. This is why there is often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is angry or upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume that they did something to cause the anger. It does not occur to them that it is their partner's responsibility to deal with their problem and to treat others respectfully. It does not occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to stop another person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how can stop disrespect when misbehavior is not perceived as disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is normal.
    • Note: Some of the stuff about claiming growing up in a home with problems causing codependency later in the life of the child may or may not be true. Someone may fall into codependency through trying to live out ideals learned later in life, such as "turn the other cheek", or trying to show "Christ-like love", pacifism, or trying to exercise superhuman patience. Codependency is not a necessary outcome of such ideals, and does involve a focus on certain elements of the ideal to the exclusion of considering whether the whole situation is healthy. The point is that codependency can be fallen into for reasons other than childhood modelling.
    • Also the codependent individual may feel abused, and know that they are being disrespected, but is choosing to maintain a response of patience out of hope that things can come back to normal. A relationship could have drifted from being relatively normal in the beginning to greater and greater abuse and disrespect over time, perhaps due to the letting down of guards, accumulation of grudges, lack of forgiveness, etc. The individual may stick with the situation for a while after it becomes unhealthy out of a hope that things can return to a happier time, or a return to reciprocation. Not breaking off the codependent relationship maybe less an issue of self-esteem than an issue of poor discipline, inability to make a decision when it is called for.
• Enabling - http://www.addictionsearch.com/treatment_articles/article/codependency-and-enabling-substance-abuse-behavior_40.html