Doug Calling..... And Other Advice...

My ex says he loves me but won't leave his current situation...
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I met Doug when he had been separated from his wife for 4 months. After separating from his wife, he started seeing an old high school friend, Sherry, actually she was his high school crush, that he never dated in high school. She was always a good friend of his, knew his feelings for her but never gave him the time of day, as he put it, "he was dropped in the friend zone" in high school, she dated several of his close friends and every time she would break up with one of them, she would come back and hang out with Doug until she started dating someone else. When I met him, he was seeing her but according to him and his best friend, she saw him when it was convenient to her. She wasn't interested in sex, they hardly ever kissed and what they had in common was drinking and listening to music. So for the first month I knew him, we were just friends, we talked a lot, met for drinks a few times but never crossed the line of friendship, even though it was obvious to both of us that we were developing feelings for each other, he wouldn't do anything until he knew what was going to happen with Sherry.

After a month, I knew that my feelings were moving beyond friendship and Doug felt so too. Seemed like things happened for a reason, Sherry called him one night and told him she wanted to break up so she could get back together with an ex. So Doug and I started dating exclusively and fell in love. We were together as much as possible, talking and texting all day long, every day. He became a member of the family with me and my 3 kids. He was so hands-on, loved my kids, attended all athletic events for my kids. We had a very active sex life, both of us were very satisfied. After we had been together 3 months, Sherry contacted him and started texting him telling him that she made a mistake and missed him. He said he became confused, he was in love with me but she was this person he had wanted so much 20 years ago and that he felt that he needed to see what would happen with her, as it was unresolved. He said that since he had only been separated 8 months and had even considered seeing her again, he felt that things were happening too fast and he needed to see what would happen.

So he started seeing Sherry again, but continued to talk to me and tell me how torn he was. Obviously, Sherry was very jealous of me since she saw how happy Doug and I were together, she knew that we had fallen in love. So she started insisting on him cutting me out of his life. He went through the motions but continued to talk to me. He hurt me with his actions so I cut off contact with him and after a few weeks I started talking to a new man, I never stopped thinking of Doug but the new man was a distraction for the hurt. After not talking for a while, Doug contacted me and apologized for things that happened, wanted to know how I was. I was pretty cold towards him and he asked if I was seeing anyone, I told him I was and he basically freaked out. He wanted to see me, so I met him at a fast food restaurant to hear him out. He told me that he felt he had made a mistake, had chosen the wrong path. I was hesitant about taking him back, I didn't want to get hurt again. He said he would do whatever he needed to do to get me back. After talking for about a week and a half, I insisted that he needed to break up with Sherry. He was very upset, said he needed to do this in his time and couldn't break up with her. Once again, I got hurt. After 2 weeks, he contacted me again, he came to see me, said he wasn't happy but still wouldn't leave. He still kept saying that he was just trying to figure things out. Sherry had leased an apartment and wanted him to move in with her, so he did. When he separated from his wife, he moved in with his parents, while his wife stayed in the house until the house sold. So after 9 months of being separated and living with his parents, I think he jumped at the opportunity to move out of his parents' house. Not to mention, he was responsible for paying the mortgage on the house he owns with his wife and Sherry is paying all the bills in the apartment, so he is living rent free. Sherry also changed jobs, took a huge pay cut to be able to spend more time with Doug, so everytime he talked of leaving she would hold that over his head, along with the apartment so she was guilting him into staying. Like their relationship the first time around, what they do together is drink and listen to music. I have repeatedly tried to be understanding because I know what it's like to have this high school crush that you just need to get out of your system. I also know what it feels like to come out of a long relationship, I know he needs to find his way on his journey through this.

To make a long story short, Doug continued to contact me and tell me how much he loved me and missed me and us. He repeatedly told me that he wished he never would've opened the door with her again. Not only did he tell me this but he told his best friend, who also is a great friend of mine. His friend and I would talk about Doug quite a bit, we are both concerned about him, how much he's drinking and the fact that he doesn't seem happy. He constantly talked of leaving her and coming back to be with me again. He said he never stopped loving me, and always wanted to be with me, just didn't know about his feelings for Sherry. He said being with me was what he always wanted but some days he felt being with Sherry was what he wanted too, so he was torn in what to do. Sherry had given him the ultimatum that if he moved out or left that it was over so Doug was faced with a life changing decision of having a door closed that he wasn't sure he was ready to close. According to his best friend, Wyatt, he thinks Doug loves Sherry, but like the way he loves Wyatt, he says that he knows Doug is in love with me. Sherry and Doug are close friends, drinking buddies, if you will, but Doug is scared to walk away from that friendship. Doug told me and his best friend that he really didn't know how he felt about Sherry, he has been living with her for 6 months, yet doesn't know how he feels for her. I don't see how that's possible. He said some days he felt like he wanted to be there with her and some days he was ready to leave, it was a roller coaster. Yet, all along, he continues to say that loving me has never been in question, being with me is always what he wants, just needs to figure out what he feels for Sherry. He has said repeatedly that he needs to just follow his heart but he's scared of walking away from her since 20 years had gone by and she was a great friend. Wyatt has told me that Doug is in love with me but that he also feels that Doug is in love with the thought of being with Sherry, he also said that he thinks Doug is realizing that reality is nowhere close to the fantasy that he always had of being with her.

Right or wrong, Doug and I slept together several times during this time that he is struggling with what to do. The last time we slept together, Sherry found out about it because she went through his phone and found a text message that Doug had written to Wyatt telling him that we had spent the day together. So, once again Doug stayed with Sherry because he said he didn't want his relationship to end on those terms. At the time that she found out about us sleeping together, Sherry told Doug that if he talked to me or had any contact with me again that it was over between them. So 3 weeks went by, and once again Doug contacted me. I wasn't too receptive to talking to him, I told him that no contact was best until he was done with her. So for the next few weeks, he would send me text messages and I would ignore them, until finally he sent me a message about Wyatt, our mutual friend, and I responded because I was concerned for him. Once again, we started talking on a daily basis and really enjoyed each other again, we did not have sex, just talked. I hated not having him in my life so I thought talking to him would be easier but I quickly learned that talking to him during the day until he went home to her and over the weekend when I didn't talk to him at all was just too hard. I told him I needed to go back to no contact until he was ready to be us, so a week went by and then he contacted me again. We talked a few days and once again I told him I couldn't do this, cut off contact again, another week went by and he contacted me again. See a pattern here? He always initiates contact with me, even though he knows what he is risking if she would find out. Finally, one day I snapped, told him I couldn't do it anymore and that I had reached my breaking point, I had to let go so he could figure out his life because I had put my life on hold for 7 months waiting on him. I felt at peace with my decision, I missed him but knew that I was doing the right thing. Four days after telling him that, I went out with some girlfriends to a concert, drank a little too much and I texted him. Well, obviously texting him at night while he's with her is a big NO-NO, he was so ugly to me, sent me several messages telling me to leave him alone, that he loved Sherry. I know that she was reading his texts so I understand that he wrote a lot of those things because he was trying to do damage control since obviously she freaked out that I contacted him. Now Wyatt has told me that Doug is pretty mad at me, I guess because I rocked the boat for him and Sherry. Quite honestly, I believe I'm the one that should be mad, not him. He was always the one that initiated contact with me after I cut it off and he has strung me along for 7 months, yet he's mad at me? The day I told him I was letting go, he had told me how much he loved me, he wanted to have sex with me. I honestly believe that he does love me, but the fact that he has continued to hurt me over and over confuses me. How can you hurt someone you love? Is it because I have allowed him to treat me this way? He has told me and his friends that he is in love with me, I'm the one he wants to be with, yet there he is still living with Sherry. A few male friends of mine have told me that quite honestly he really doesn't have any incentive to leave, he's living with her rent-free, he's drinking and partying every night, has no responsibilities. And up until a week ago, he was still able to talk to me so he didn't have to make a decision. Now that I contacted him and rocked the boat with Sherry, he's mad at me and "committing" to her again. Even though, history shows that he can't commit to her because he loves me. He knows that. He has tried numerous times to commit to being with her and always contacts me. So how do I stop this vicious cycle? The consensus is that I need to just let go, physically and emotionally and I need to let him follow this through with Sherry. How long can a 40 year old act like a 20 year old? Wyatt thinks he is just having a mid-life crisis and that he needs to work through this. I need to let Sherry be the transition girl after his marriage, and let him sow his wild oats of partying and living it up. Wyatt told me once, that if he thought Doug would be happy with Sherry then that's where he would want him to be, but that he didn't think that. I guess it's easier to see things a lot clearer from the outside. Wyatt says he knows that life with me is where Doug wants to be even though Doug seems to be so confused. So would your advice be to walk away and let him figure things out on his own? I've been told that he can't see clearly since I've been in the equation, I need to take myself completely out of the equation so he can gain some clarity in the situation.