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 | We love but we don't understand the word patience ---- Hello. I was just thinking about something that isn't real[ly a big problem, but I wanted to get some feedback from others about it. But the problem is when there are issues. We have both stressful jobs, and busy schedules with thing like the gym. We seem to lose patience many a times and unnecessarily say things which we never mean,say for example: We are going to office and he is driving fast and i ask him to slow down it would irritate him and he asks me not to comment on his driving,then the whole day same issues reccur. Lets also see the other side(though not good one yaar its against me ;-) )He has had a tiring day ,he is extremely stressed but fortunately i has a cool day @ the office,now i want to go out also,he first says is it necessary and then i play a baby to be taken out,he agrees . I get dressed into a brand new red dress and GOSH! HE DIDN'T NOTICE MY DRESS ALL EVENING! I get upset,i don't say a word after we go home i would take out everything on him. |
You may consider that your schedules are too full. Do you each take a full day of relaxation each week? The Jewish tradition requires a Sabbath, that every seventh day is to be set aside from work and personal pleasure, and given to rest, building family relationships, etc. They consider it fundamental, part of the design of how man was made.
So a little more rest and relaxation time may recharge your batteries.
Active listening may help.... When there is an issue, practice restating what your partner says so they know that you are really hearing them. At first, just concentrate on being able to restate to them what you hear them saying their view is, not what you want to add to it.
If you are doing this, it forces some patience. Also allow for some decent breaks of silence, let them spend out their frustration before you speak. Interrupting them may just lead to them getting defensive and restating what they already said, and you both getting even less patience.
The goal is to make sure they know you are really hearing what they have to say. Many arguments are fueled by the other person not feeling like they have been heard. Also. argument feeds on disagreement. Once she is agreeing you have really heard her, she doesn't have anything to argue with.
If the other knows they are really being heard, then they may be more able to process any corrections you would like to make to what they think, and more willing to hear any thoughts you'd like to share with them.
When you get to the point of having fully understood her point of view to her satisfaction, you might also use this technique to share your opinion: Feel Felt Found
"I can feel how you are saying that you..... I felt that way to in this similar situation.... What I found is this...."
Here's an example: Yesterday I met a woman who had a small chihuaha and it was really barking at me as I was trying to walk by and look at some cats. This is called guarding behavior. It is one of the biggest problems shelters have a problem in adopting out small dogs.
I mentioned that, and to her husband, they also had two small kids. They told me their dog was a puppy. I told them they should consider getting some training on how to deal with that guarding behavior in their small dog. He said that they thought the guarding behavior was cute.
I told them the problem is that the behavior in small breed dogs can get worse if not dealt with. He still was still thinking it was ok.
I then used more of a Feel Felt Found approach. I told him it is definitely cute. I like fiesty dogs that have spirit. A friend tried to adopt a small dog from a shelter and the shelter would not adopt to her unless she took a class in how to deal with guarding behaviors. I looked into the issue and found that it is the biggest problem shelters have on doing adoptions of small dogs, and that the behavior can get very bad, to the point where the dog is guarding the wife against the husband, or the puppy is guarding its food against the children. They will get used to guarding whoever or whatever they are closest to, and they do this the more they are allowed to do it. But when a dog is young it is much easier to teach it not to do guarding, and to deal with this behavior so the dog can be a good dog. When the problem is allowed to progress into adulthood, it is much more difficult to deal with.
He came away saying he was going to do some research too, and they both thanked me very much for sharing that with them.
Good luck with your eventual marriage.
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