Relationships

How can two people have a relationship that grows through changes? Change can cause conflict, and if two people care about each other, hopefully they will be motivated to be considerate of each others needs and help each other grow in spite of change. Mistakes will happen, but if they can be worked through in a healthy way, both people can benefit.

Someone once said, "He who cares least about a relationship is in control". I have never felt comfortable with that idea, it implies to me that by neglecting a relationship you can somehow keep it going in the direction you want.

I believe a mutually beneficial relationship is more solid if based on caring rather than control. The reality is that if you're dealing with another person who really cares about you, taking time to care about them more can be a path to growth and greater happiness.

Here are the most important ideas:

Try to think the best about the other person.
Try to use more carrots, and less sticks, rewards usually work better than punishment.
Be gentle, avoid harshness
Be clear about rules, give benefit of the doubt on a first violation.
Wherever possible, let rules be soft, dont create a straightjacket
Communication is important
Lack of communication can cause sandpits to trap the other person
Time out to gather thoughts is ok, but dont let the other person hang for excessive lengths of time

In more detail:

Think good things. You'll feel better about life.
- Try to think the best about the other person. Even if they mess up, if there is no physical damage, they really might have messed up with your best interest in their heart.
- If you need advice about a difficult situation, try to find support from people who like the other person
Be fair.
Think about how to use more carrot, and less stick. Rewards usually work better than punishment.
- If you must use the stick, be playful, don't be cruel, no matter how upset you may be.
- Actions speak louder than words. Dont forget to do special things in appreciation of the other person.
- If you promise a carrot, be sure to follow through
A person who feels loved, and cared about, is much more likely to do the right things and not make mistakes.
Understand some people feel love in different ways, their language of love might be different than yours. If you can, try to honor the preferences and needs that they express.
Ge gentle. Trust takes time to grow. Try not to crush vulnerability with harshness.
Try to forgive before the sun sets. Let the new day be a new day.
Rules
- Have as few rules as possible
- Be careful about which rules are really rigid, and which rules can be soft.
- Rigid rules
  - Be clear about which rules are firm.
  - Be understanding that some rules may be difficult for the other person to follow.
  - Use the carrots when the other person does the right thing. When a rule is respected, let them know you noticed.
  - Give positive feedback when a rule is followed. For example, if you ask something not be done, and the rule is respected, let the other person know you noticed. Give them a chance to share that it was difficult, but they followed it because they care about you.
- Soft rules, or most of the time rules
  - Try whenever possible, to create soft rules. Give some room to breath. No one wants to walk around in a tight corset or straight jacket.
  - Sometimes rules are mostly because of preferences. Think about if they can be soft. If they are regarding something the other person really likes, and the rule is not harmful if broken, allowing the rule to be turned off occassionally might be a great reward and motivator. Example: Maybe you really don't like drama, you prefer science fiction. Taking time to share a drama that the other person enjoys can be a special treat. Let them know the rule is still there, you're just giving them a break from it for a little while.
- Broken rules
  - Don't create a situation that sets the other person up for failure. Don't create a sandpit for them to fall into.
  - If a rule is broken, dont create a trap to cause another bigger violation. Don't create quicksand.
  - If there is any way you could have contributed to the rule breakage, be willing to forgive quickly and ask for forgiveness too.
Communication is important
- Suprise communications of caring can be great relationship builders
- Lack of communication causes many kinds of malfunctions and rule breaking
- Never subject the other person to the silent treatment for excessive periods of time. No one likes solitary confinement.
- Try not to leave the other person hanging forever. Think how frustrating it is to deal with the government and waiting for an answer on something, and knowing the govenment workers just don't care. Don't subject the other person to that kind of frustration.
- If you say you'll communicate, be sure to do so.
- If you need a time out to gather your thoughts, communicate that you need time. If at all possible, let the other person know you still care, but are upset, and need time to avoid damaging things further. Let them know you need this time because you do care about them.
- Even if you're really upset, give the other person a chance to tell you that they care about you. If they apologize, try to accept their apology without sarcasm and doubt.
- When you are upset, understand the other person may be hurting too. Sometimes, helping their hurt can provide healing for your own hurt.
Do not magnify small things into major issues. Magnifying glasses can take a beautiful sunbeam and focus it into a pinpoint that can cause a flame that can burn down a rich forest, so be very careful with using them.
After a major conflict, if an understanding is reached, try to do something special together to repair the damage and create some good memories to cover the bad. A positive time together can better cement the agreements that were reached.

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