I read Gary Chapman's book a long time ago and it made a lot of sense to me: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
Different people feel loved in different ways. Some people feel really loved if you give them a gift, other people that doesn't do much for them. Other people prefer to be physically touched, others prefer a handshake instead of a hug. Ever have a friend who "fishes" for compliments? Some people want you to tell them they did a great job on something, this is what gives them a good feeling.
Chapman's research is described in this way:
- After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.
- Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Notice that he links expressing and interpreting expressions of love. What makes a person feel loved is often what they will do for others to show love. This book description gives a hint of the tension that can develop between two people when they dont understand each others love language. When you do for someone what makes you feel loved, but they dont interpret that as love, the other person may not feel the love, and tension can arise. It takes a conscious effort to learn to love in a way that feels good to someone else and meets their needs, which can be different from your own.
Chapman also uses the metaphor of a love tank, or a leaky cup. When people's love tank is full from expressions of love, they are happier, and more relaxed. But over time, the love leaks away, and they need their tank refilled with more things that they interpret as love. If their love cup remains on empty too long, they cant feel the love, and eventually may start to "misbehave".
The computer game "Creatures" involved raising and training some artificial life forms, and observing them as they explored their computer world. They had needs for food, attention, etc. that were expressed as fuel gauges. Once the creature was full of attention, (they would periodically seek out the player for interaction), it would then wander off and do other things. If you kept the creatures satisfied on all accounts, they would breed and you could get new varieties of creatures to train and raise.
I think that an important way to teach children about many important lessons in life is to have a pet, and give them a chance to take care of it. I have always used this illustration of love with my kids: "If I have a pet, and I say over and over, 'I just love my Flabowill, Flabowill is the best pet ever, I love him so much', but I let him go without fresh water, or I forget to feed him, or dont pay attention to him when he needs attention, or neglect him in other significant ways, does my love mean anything to the pet?" Its important for children to learn that love should show itself in our actions, and not be just words we say.
 | 1 Cortinthians 13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. (NIV) |
But even better to demonstrate the lessons of love is to have a pet that can express its own preferences. This lets the child more clearly see responses to showing the right kinds of attention to the animal. So animals like lizards, or fish, or mice, while they make great pets and I've had all of them, and they can help a child learn responsibility, still may not be the best. I think dogs or cats are a must have for parents of young children. However dogs that just love everyone, while a great choice, are probably not even the best, since some dogs will continue to love people and crave attention even from those who aren't taking good care of them.
Henry Wheeler Shaw's saying, "In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money can not buy... to wit the wag of a dog's tail" appears at the beginning of the Disney film Lady and the Tramp.[14] Josh Billings was the pen name of 19th century American humorist Henry Wheeler Shaw (21 April 1818 – 14 October 1885). He is also quoted as "Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
 | But as Ann Landers put it, "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." |
In my experience, I think cats are the best pet for teaching children about love and lessons of life. This is because they are much clearer in their take it or leave it attitudes. They are much more likely to run away from those who dont speak their love language. If you can have more than one cat, it is likely they each will have somewhat different preferences, so that these preferences are even better for teaching the lessons of love.
| "A lot of money can buy you a tiger, but no amount of money can buy the purr of a contented kitty cat." - Me. |
Cats tend not to like the random actions of very young children. While a collie dog wont mind a toddler whacking their hand on them they same way they whack their toy piano, a cat is going to very quickly say enough of this and run away. The child may, unfortunately for the cat, find that making the cat run away is great fun. As the child gets old enough to understand language, and the cat is comfortable with you and happy to sit with you for love and attention, but gives a wary eye when the child approaches, you can tell the child, "See how I am giving the kitty gentle rubbing? Kitty dont like to be whacked, she is not like Fido dog. Hear the sound Kitty is making? That is called purring, and she will make this sound if she likes what you are doing. If you do the things that Kitty likes, Kitty will come to you for more attention. But if you think it is funny to scare Kitty, she wont like that, and she wont come around her. You'll never get to hear her purr, or see her enjoying coming to relax with you."
As the child gets older, they can help with the things needed to take care of the cat. If you have more than one cat, you'll be able to show the child how one cat likes one kind of rubbing, but another likes a different style. One cat likes one kind of cat treat, another likes a different kind of food, one likes to be at your side, another likes to be held but another doesn't. They learn that not at all cats like the same thing, and if they want the kittys to feel loved and respond to that love, you need to learn what each kitty likes and give them what they like. And the different cats will respond to you in different ways, but it will be very clear when they love what you are doing and when they dont. Cats learn quickly, and they will avoid things they dont like, but they will live for the things that they enjoy. Unlike the typical stereotype most people have of the aloof cat that does care about people, every cat I have ever had will follow me around the house and choose to spend time with me. They will develop very warm and affectionate bonds with those who treat them right.
As a result, my 11 year old son has a very good relationship with all the cats in our house. When his friends come over, and are over affectionate with the cats, he defends the cats and tries to teach his friend to do the things the cat likes.
I have always been fascinated by animals of all kinds. In aquariums, I am fascinated by shrimp. I like looking through the ghost shrimp, and they remind me of robots as they walk around with their hands probing things. I have also had water crabs in my aquariums, they are fun to watch. Recently I have started raising shrimp, I now have three different kinds of shrimp, one of each in a different aquarium. The algae shrimp is doing well, he recently molted, which is good evidence that his environment is good and he is thriving. I have discovered that he reacts very quickly to the presence of a beta fish food pellet dropped into the water, often within 5-10 seconds he gets very active looking for it. He will find it and carry it around.... A ghost shrimp I have died, possibly because of water quality problems because of it being a new aquarium and a filtration pump got plugged while I was away. Aquariums often thrive from benign neglect, and the water quality can be ruined by overfeeding. So to this aquarium problem, I also feed very lightly, especially since the only animal in the whole aquarium was a single shrimp. But with the ghost shrimp I thought it could eat from the plants and marimbo java moss ball I put in the aquarium (another shrimp has lived for months from that food source while living in a very 1 pint container.) So maybe I was too neglectful in my benign neglect. So I fixed those problems, and got another ghost shrimp, and a single tiny baby guppy. I tried dropping in a couple of beta food pellets, and there was no reaction. The fish picked at the pellet a little, but the shrimp didn't. So then I dropped a couple flakes of flake food. One of the flakes was driven on the current from the filter to come to the shrimp and it grabbed it, held on to it, and ate it. It was interesting to watch the internal workings of the gut as the shrimp ate the flake of food.
So I have discovered that the language of love I need to show to each of these shrimp is different. It dont matter how much I love my shrimp, or want to see them do things that I can say "The shrimp is happy", if I dont consider the specific needs of each kind of shrimp and translate my love into giving the shrimp what it needs to live and be happy, my love for the shrimp dont matter.
Zoo keepers long ago discovered that captive Koala Bears will die if not given a specific kind of eucalyptus to eat. Koala bears from different parts of Australia have become adapted to eating different species of eucalyptus. No matter how much the zookeeper loves the koala, if the zookeeper gives the koala the wrong kind of food, the koala will not recognize it as food. No matter how much we might say, "Stupid Koala, its still eucalyptus, nutritionally its indistinguishable from the other kind," it doesnt matter. If the Koala is not given what it recognizes as food, the Koala will starve and die.
Here are some more funny dog quotes: