COMMENTARY
I. Introduction
While our homes should be homes of peace and healing, and
while we desire to live by biblical principles, it is sometimes all too
easy to let our selfishness, upbringing, gender differences, personal
choices, and ignorance in dealing with conflict stand in our way.
II. The Best of Intentions
Some believe that Christian couples and families should always
get along; but even with the best of intentions, our humanity gets in
the way. Scott Stanley suggests that "part of reaching Christian
maturity is accepting the reality of our imperfection while striving
to become holy. Truth is, we will never perfectly understand another
person this side of heaven, even when we are doing all the
right things. The important thing is to take responsibility for your
own behavior, even when your partner doesn't seem to want to get
along."—Scott Stanley, et al. A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide
to Fighting for Your Marriage (San Francisco, Calif.: Jossey-Bass,
1998), p. 95.
MONDAY
Two concepts seem central to this topic, "Seek First to
Understand and Then to Be Understood" and "Begin With the End
in Mind."—Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective
Families, pp. 70, 201.
The lessons this quarter suggest that family life is like a seesaw.
Life is more pleasant when people respect and care for others, but
there also can be pain when a family member desires to dominate
and control others in the relationship.
Most married couples report four main areas that cause problems.
Ask your class what they think these four areas are. They are
money, communication, children, and sex. Other things couples
commonly argue about are in-laws, recreation, alcohol and drugs,
religion, careers, and housework.
In considering the question at the end of Monday's study, we
should remember that we always do not know the reality behind
some of these areas and that we all make assumptions. We may not
know the whole story, because we have not openly discussed what
really is taking place.
Anger often is not well-understood. Anger is a secondary emotion,
meaning that it grows out of fear, hurt, or frustration. An angry
outburst is a symptom of at least one of these underlying emotions.
Issues of abuse are addressed in this week's lesson, as well as in
next week's, so you may want to use the following information this
Sabbath or next Sabbath. For a child, sexual abuse is one of the
most traumatic acts of betrayal. It is defined as "the engaging of a
child in sexual activities the child does not understand, to which the
child can't give informed consent, which are developmentally inappropriate
and/or which violate the laws or taboos of society"
(http://www.andrews.edu/IPA/education/adolescent_health/Child_Abuse/sld002.htm).
Sexual abuse says to children that they are not loved or valued for themselves.
It is also important to understand that when a person is sexually
abused, he or she is emotionally and physically abused. There is
practically nothing else that can do more harm to a child's picture
of God as a heavenly Father than being abused by an adult—especially
an adult who is that child's primary caregiver.
In discussing these issues this week and next, some in your class
may want to draw a line, either yes or no, when it comes to physical
punishment. In relation to Ellen White's statement in Child
Guidance (p. 250), read the entire chapter in preparation for class.
Appropriate forms of punishment are a sensitive subject for
Christian parents. Those with adamant beliefs generally are not
looking for someone to convince them otherwise. Valuable insights
and time will be lost if your class debates what is right or wrong.
Forgiveness is rare, because our human hearts desire justice.
Blinded by our own hurt, we typically flee or fight, both common
human responses. R. T. Kendall suggests that "the ultimate proof of
total forgiveness takes place when we sincerely petition to the
Father to let those who have hurt us off the hook—even if they have
hurt not only us, but also those close to us."—Total Forgiveness
(Lake Mary, Fl.: Charisma House, 2002), p. 4.
Kendall also believes that total forgiveness does not mean closing
our eyes to those who will continue to harm others. "Just as
God forgives people without approving of their sin, we also must
learn that forgiving people does not imply an endorsement of their
evil deeds."—Page 12.
"Totally forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean we will
want to spend our vacation with them, but it does mean that we
release the bitterness in our hearts concerning what they have
done."—Page 8. Punishment belongs to God alone.
Kendall continues, "Relinquishing bitterness is an open invitation
for the Holy Spirit to give you His peace, His joy and the
knowledge of His will."—Page 30. Finally, 1 John 4:18 teaches us
that "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because
fear involves torment."