Ideas about how to deal with telemarketers

Don't get angry when telemarketers call. Instead, look forward to some fun and games. These ideas will take some time, but just realize every 30 seconds you keep them on the line, that's another person you've saved from being aggravated by their phone calls.

Here are just a few of my ideas....

• Handling Home Improvement Telemarketers
• Free Grocery Coupon Telemarketers

Fish network?

When telemarketers call to try and sell you a dish network satellite dish, engage them in a conversation about your fish tank, then tell them you don't need any more fish.

Listen attentively...

Another way to have fun with telemarketers is to listen very attentively, and ask a lot of questions to show you are listening. For anything they say, repeat it back to them as a question for clarification.

• TM: Have you heard of the San Jose Mercury News?
• You: The San Jose Mercury News? That's a newspaper, right?
• TM: Yes it is. Are you receiving the newspaper now?
• You: You want to know if I am receiving the newspaper?
• TM: Yes, are you?
• You: You mean the San Jose Mercury News?
• TM: Yes, would you like to receieve it free for 90 days?
• You: Are you offering to send it to me free for 90 days?
• TM: Yes, would you like to receive it free for 90 days?
• You: You mean the San Jose Mercury News?

Let me make a note of that...

Another fun way to keep them on the line is to pretend to make notes about their offer. This is really just a variant of listening intently. You can tell them that there offer sounds so good that you want to take a few notes about it do that you make sure you understand it.

But to make it fun, you must pretend to write very slowly. And ask them to spell some of the words for you. And then read to them what you've written, except with some kind of misunderstandings about it. Then have fun pretending to erase what you've written. You can pretend to erase too much, and need to get some of the notes again.

Let me find my glasses

To be really effective, you have to know how to create anticipation. The telemarketer's job is to make you buy something, and your job is to make them think you're going to buy. When it comes to the point to give them your credit card number, you can take a long time to find your reading glasses. Then you can have a lot of trouble reading the numbers. Pretend like they can see your card and ask them if the third digit is a 7 or a 1. Then apologize profusely for not realizing they can't see your card.

My address? It's far, far, away....

Whenever the telemarketer call involves delivering you something of local interest, for example free trial subscription to a local newspaper, or someone pretending to be from earthlink trying to sell you DSL service, pretend your address is several states away. They know which area code they were calling, and when you pretend have an address several states away, it may confuse them. When they protest that's not your real address, you can answer, "Well if you know so dang much about me, then why are you asking me these questions?"

Oh, I recognize you...

After you seem like you are ready to buy, ask the telemarketer what his name is. Whatever he says, pretend to recognize it, and be really impressed.

• TM: My name is Jack
• You: Jack? Oh my goodness. Jack Goodall? Is that you?
• TM: No, Jack Wilson
• You: Oh Jack Wilson, ok... Wait a minute? Jack Wilson? Oh my goodness. You're the guy that did that big spread in a gay magazine a few months ago, right? I always wondered what it was to be photographed for a gay magazine. How was it?

One presidential candidate wanted to acuse his opponent of doing unnatural things with animals. His advisors said, "He doesn't do those things!" The candidate said, "Yes, I know, I just want to hear him deny it!"

Have some fun getting your telemarketer to deny wild things.

Get the telemarketer to yell at you

See how loud you can get them to talk. You have to lead them on like you want their service, then have trouble hearing them and ask them to speak a little louder. If you're really prepared, you can pretend you are adjusting your hearing aid. Do this by having a discarded hearing aid handy, and turn up the gain so it makes a feedback whistle, then place it next to the phone receiver. See how much longer you can get them to continue talking to you while they have to listen to the feedback.

Goal: Get them to talk so loud that they disturb the other telemarketing calls in their office....

If you ask them to speak loud too soon, they might just hang up on you. You have to lead them on a bit first.

Some more ideas

I just received an email with some more ideas on Tips For Handling Telemarketers...

Case Studies

• How can Americans be so clueless about basic American geography

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